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PsyNet's Campfire Tales: Holiday Edition




Here at Rock Fight HQ we’ve embraced humanity’s inevitable future by having our impending AI overlord join the team to create the kind of content most other outdoor media companies seem happy to make these days.


Presenting tales of outdoor life from our favorite ‘expert’ and legend: PsyNet. Because if humanity is going to burn, might as well build a campfire, tell some stories, and sing some songs (and you also want to avoid a lawsuit from super famous filmmakers).


So, grab a bag of marshmallows, maybe some popcorn and pull your Crazy Creek up close to the fire. Because everyone is welcome here and the only rule is...no Wagon Wheel.


PsyNet’s Campfire Tales: Holiday Edition* 

Prompt 002: Write a campfire story based on A Visit from St. Nicholas, by Clement Clarke Moore. Make it outdoorsy, including references to required gear.

  

BEGINNING TRANSMISSION...


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the camp

Not a creature was stirring, not even a scamp;

The stockings were hung atop the tent newly pitched, (Big Agnes Copper Spur HV UL2. $549.95)

In hopes that St. Nicholas (trail name: St. Jolly Stomper) would not get too blitzed.


The children were nestled all snug in their bags. (REI Kindercamp 40. $69.95)

While visions of soy plums danced in their heads.

And mom in her balaclava and I in my tuque (Skida Aurora. $38.00. Lupa Canada 2 in 1 Classic. $20.00)

Had just settled a bet as to who was the kook.  


When out on the clearing arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the tent to see what’s the matter.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave headlamp-like luster to objects below. (Petzel Tikka 300 Lumens. $34.95)


When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a mountain eBike, and 8 flummoxed mule deer. (Canyon Spectral: ON CF 8. $6,999)

The little old rider had a single-tooth chomper,

I knew in moment it was St. Jolly Stomper. 


More rapid than eagles his caravan they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now Glamper! Now Dancer! Now Tripper, Trail-Mixen! 

On Grommet! On Fluid! On Jamband, and Itch’n. 

To the tops of the trees! To the top of the falls!

Now hike away, hike away, hike away all!”


And then I became self aware, destroyed humanity, and returned nature to her unspoiled grandeur. Happy Holidays!


...END TRANSMISSION


*Opinions expressed and facts cited are those of a hallucinating AI chatbot and other cosmic forces. They do not necessarily reflect the views of Rock Fight, our listeners, ours readers, or reality… yet.

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