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Man Hospitalized After Mistaking Columbia Sportswear Jacket For Soy Milk

7 out of 8 doctors recommend not imbibing products made by Columbia Sportswear.

PORTLAND, OR - Local outdoor enthusiast Todd Millbrap, 37, was rushed to the hospital after attempting to drink what he thought was vanilla soy milk, only to have his drink turn out to be a Columbia rain jacket.

“Every morning I order a large, Columbian dark roast with soy, but my regular soy option was out,” explained Millbrap from his hospital bed. “I figured I’d try the Columbia, but there was no bold flavor.  No flavor at all, really. I guess I assumed it was a robust dairy substitute. They looked so much alike.”

Doctors were able to pump Millbrap's stomach, though they noted his condition could have been far worse had the item been an  Outdry Extreme Mesh waterproof jacket for maximum protection, instead of the moderately protective Omni-Tech 3D.

The incident marks the second time in a month someone has ingested Columbia outerwear thinking it was a dairy or dairy substitute item. A women in Missoula ate nearly a quart of what she thought was plain yogurt before realizing it was actually a Columbia fleece vest.

A company spokesperson said both incidents were regrettable, and that ‘our jackets are intentionally subtle and approachable, although, as of now, not specifically edible or drinkable.’

Story Filed by Real Fake News, Part of the /S Division of Rock Fight, llc. Things have been changed. There are no innocent.


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