A groundbreaking study from Evergreen College in Washington State has uncovered a startling correlation between the prevalence of natural hot springs and an increase in public nudity—specifically of the "unsexy" variety.
Dr. Richard Buff, lead researcher, explained, "Our team analyzed 50 hot spring locations across the western United States, documenting a 69% rise in instances of what we've termed 'aesthetically challenging disrobing,’ or ACD, over the past five years."
The study's methodology involved hidden cameras, participant surveys, and what Dr. Buff described as "unfortunately necessary close-up observations."
Local governments are grappling with the findings. Cody, Wyoming has already implemented a "No Nudes Is Good Nudes" campaign, while clothing-optional advocates argue we should be embracing "natural" bodies and that the study is a transparent attempt to divert our eyes from the actual conversation.
The research has also sparked what sociologists are calling the "ick factor" among Americans. "It's not the nudity itself, it's the... quality of it," said one dismayed hot spring enthusiast.
The National Park Service would not comment on the study, but one Ranger, speaking on background, said the Service was concerned that the study might impact visitation, especially at parks known for their soaking potential, such as Yellowstone National Park, Big Bend National Park in Texas, and Olympic National Park in Washington. "We're considering implementing 'strategic shrubbery' to maintain the delicate balance between nature appreciation and retinal protection," the source said.
Similar studies Japan and Iceland have been met with shrugs of indifference, although towel usage in those cultures tend to be more widespread.
Story Filed by Real Fake News, Part of the /S Division of Rock Fight, llc. Things have been changed. There are no innocent.
Comments