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Local Climber Finds Opossum Family Living in His Gear

EL PORTAL, CA - In a heartwarming discovery, local climber Jake Stone was surprised to find a family of opossums living within his gear rack. Stone, known by his friends for his extensive collection of equipment, noticed the unexpected tenants while preparing for a climb.

“I was adding a few new quickdraws to my rack when I saw a little face poking out," he said. "At first, I thought it was some kind of belay device I’d forgotten about. But then I realized it was a face, then many faces, staring back at me.”

Stone's newfound companions have caused quite a stir in the local community and become an unofficial mascot for climbers, who have taken to checking their own gear for stowaways.

Left to right: Stinky, Pinky, Hugh, Jass & Dave

"It's a good reminder to always inspect your equipment before a climb," said Lisa Ridge, a friend of Stone and a backcountry guide for one of the area’s many outfitters.

Stone's tale has gone viral, sparking a wave of interest in opossum-inspired climbing gear. "We've had requests for everything from chalk bag pouches to tiny helmets to tail-themed ropes," said a representative from REI prior to the most recent round of layoffs. Follow-up calls went unreturned.

However, not all of the attention has been welcoming. Local property rights advocates complain that celebrating squatters as some kind of heroes sets a bad precedent.

Chairperson of the Yosemite Chapter of Protectors of Sovereignty (POS), Karen Nomarites, weighed in during a recent rally against the guests. “If those marsupials think they can live rent-free in our town, they’ve got another thing coming.”

As for Stone, he continues to climb with the family in-tow, and remains unmoved by the criticism. “They can stay as long as they want,” he said. “It’s the first time I’ve had reliable climbing partners not taking up space on my couch.”

Story Filed by Real Fake News, Part of the /S Division of Rock Fight, llc. Things have been changed. There are no innocent.


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