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VF reports “Disappointing’ Quarter; Blames Portfolio and Poor People for Sales Slump.

CEO promises a top-to-bottom review of underperforming consumers.


DENVER--(WIRE)-- VF Corporation (NYSE: VFC) reported disappointing financial results for its third quarter (Q3’FY24) that are sure to cause investor anxiety. Revenue was off $16% to a paltry $3 Billion dollars.


"Why didn't I buy more stuff from VF?!" - Sad TNF Customer

“Our three largest brands (The North Face, Vans and Timberland) all experienced double digit declines, which was disappointing,” VF Corp CEO Bracken Darrell might have said. "Clearly, the fault lies with the smaller niche players in our portfolio, as well as consumers failing to try hard enough and pull their weight.”


“We plan to get to the bottom of what causes underpaid, over-pressured people to become so reluctant to buy more and more higher priced, me-too product," Darrell did not continue saying. “The soft demand played havoc with our supply chain, and potentially put lives in danger, not to mention executive performance bonuses.”


Despite failing to meet analyst expectations, the Company stated it was starting to see the benefits of the recent Reinvent® turnaround plan.


"Man, even Thor's lightning is trending down." -VF Shareholder

“We’re starting to see the benefits of our Reinvent® turnaround plan,” Darrell did not say. “Our initial steps at reducing product cost and quality, along with the seasonal firings of productive and low wage employees have both cushioned top line and sent a message that our values are only valued in times of positive growth. A real win-win.” 


Company sources also cited delivery delays, shifts in timing, and gross margin tailwinds being offset with transactional foreign exchange rates headwinds. Sources then shouted ‘Squirrel!’ and disappeared off screen just before a hot mic picked up a Board member’s observation of ‘…something, something… piss poor decision-making.’


Story Filed by  Real Fake News, Part of the /S Division of Rock Fight, llc. Things have been changed. There are no innocent.

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